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The Chappers' Blog - June 6th

It feels like Euro 2008 has just cropped up out of nowhere. The build up to it hasn't been on the back pages or on the television. It has all been very low key. Now that could be because it is taking place in two of the duller countries on earth or it could be that we have been spared the usual jingoistic nonsense because England aren't there. St George's Flags aren't fluttering from every other window, Ian Wright isn't tipping England to win the thing out of blind loyalty and Wayne Rooney hasn't been pictured tackling a giant Toblerone on the back of the Sun to illustrate how we are going to take the fight to the Swiss. Not that the Swiss fight of course because they are strictly neutral.

One thing will be in keeping with every other tournament and that will be a truly excruciating opening ceremony. It will last twice as long as the match that will follow it and will go in one of two directions. Either it will be to celebrate national culture and for that I obviously mean it will be full of stereotypes. So expect inflatable Swiss cheeses dancing with those giant toblerones once again while cuckoo clocks sing the hits of the Sound of the Music. Or it will have nothing to do with anything on god's earth and will involve hundreds of men and women in all-in-one lycra suits dancing with ribbons before some local schoolchildren pile out of huge plastic football in the centre circle. All the while the camera will cut to Michel Platini smiling when really he'd rather be cutting off his own testicles with a rusty knife.

Then on to the matches themselves. The Swiss will have found the whole opening ceremony so moving and inspiring that they will lose to the Czech Republic. I am particularly looking forward to the battle between Jan Koller and Phillipe Senderos. It will all be about beauty and finesse and a good touch will that clash. Then later that evening Cristiano Ronaldo will take time off from winding the whole of planet earth's media up about moving to Real Madrid, to help Portugal comfortably beat Turkey.

Turkey though do have some good things going for them, there is an online predictor (not just Premier 10) doing the rounds at the moment. Every country is represented by a good looking woman from that country and you choose who you fancy most in each group and they progress to the last 8 and so on and so forth. When I did it Turkey ended up winning the whole tournament. In fact when every male in the Radio 1 office did it Turkey ended up winning. She would definitely brighten up the Opening Ceremony even dressed as Toblerone.

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Ched from Cardiff - June 9th 2008 - 08:49 AM

I thought the Portugal Turkey game was good. However the Swiss, Austria, Poland and even Croatia were ordinary. Looks to me that a lot of the teams are ok going forward but not so good at the back. Now that Cannavaro is out who are the really top class defenders in the tournament, I can't think of many?? What do you lot think?

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